My Diary: Card Game

                               

I’m just living my life the way I perceive it to be. The only rule I abide with is “follow what God tells you and fear the Lord your God”. I don’t expect people to like or adore me for how I live my life. Honestly, I don’t want people to compare me with other people. I don’t want them to always look at me as a strong individual but I can’t control their mind. I don’t want people to perceive me for who I am not.

I once heard a mother of my friend telling her why she can’t be like me, intelligent and compose can be trusted with anything. I was shocked and devastated. The truth is, I don’t like to be compared with my friends. I feel like I am forced to be a person for whom I am being standardized I feel like I need to be always watchful with everything I do so that no one would give negative opinions about me. I feel like I’m living with their expectations. I know it is good to be a model as what my mother says. She always tells me that it feels so good hearing her friends give complement on how she brings me up. But I am not persuaded. The load to live it up is very heavy. I am not what they wanted me to become. I have my water loo, negative sides and most of all my downfalls.

I am not that type who shows to the world my emotions. I don’t want people to see me cry and felt devastated. I maybe broken inside but my façade will always be intact, that’s why they always look at me as a strong individual. They always see me calm and ready. They always tell me I am not easily shaken. But they are wrong. I also have my breakdown. I also cry hard and maybe sob in times of trials and testing. I also get nervous and paranoid of how my life is going on when I feel like I can’t fix everything. But what makes me handle it all knows that, I am a Christian and I have Jesus in my life. Honestly, in the secret, in the quiet place, he is the only one who sees and knows the real Claire- a typical girl who has pain, shame all at once.

 My life is a card game, I can’t handle everything that is being thrown by my opponent but it is only God who allows those opponents to make me stronger in the next round. People may tell me that I’m good in playing my cards but they don’t know the secret of playing, trusting to the one who knows best-God.

Photo courtesy of http://www.self-catering-breaks.com/blog/six-great-card-games/ 

have you tried being compared to your friends? how does it feel?

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